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Author Topic: Warlords: The Game Show? Reality TV?
skdadl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 478

posted 14 November 2001 12:12 PM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I have had a revelation. Or an epiphany. Or one of those multisyllabic mental events.

The Americans have been going at this war all wrong. I mean, leaving it to the military-industrial complex -- I ask you. So twentieth century.

In truth, as we all know, America has moved on, and its real strength now lies somewhere quite other. Where, you may ask? Why, Madison Avenue, chicks! Hollywood. Beautiful downtown Burbank. Disney. McDonald's. What have they been thinking? Why isn't Jack Valenti running this war?

Why waste bombs conquering 'em when you can just -- co-opt 'em? So they hate you because they're losers? Fine: make 'em winners, baybee!

I mean, now that we're back to square one in Afghanistan, or 1992, at least, we're all just warlords together again anyway, no? So why not put a positive spin on the clash this time: invite everybody's local leader back to Burbank (free flights courtesy American Airlines, and luxury suites provided by Best Western Hotels), and put 'em on TV!

Now, here I run into my old problem. I can do the conceit; I'm just no good at the follow-through. Game show or reality TV? I've seen a few game shows; they're all hosted by guys who are Canadians incognito and often called Alex, right? Reality TV, alas, has passed me by entirely, but there's gotta be some potential there (just make sure the losers all get agents too).

How do we do this, guys? Work with me.


From: gone | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 14 November 2001 01:32 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Chuck my first question is for terrorist number one, Osama: How would you show your date a really, really good time?

...

Hmm...well, thanks, Osama, I'm not so sure I'm into confinement and floggings...

Dictator number two, Ayatollah: If we went on a date, what would be your idea of a really sexy outfit for me to wear?

...

I see...(muttering) well that's not gonna happen...(normal, cheery voice) well, thanks, Ayatollah...

All right then, Dictator number three, Saddam is it? Yes, Saddam. Tell me, Saddam, how do you handle disagreements with your friends and lovers?

...

You do WHAT? Holy shit...I mean...um...thank you, Saddam...

Okay, I've made my decision...I choose Chuck Woolery!

[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: Michelle ]


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 117

posted 14 November 2001 01:35 PM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Picture helicopter flying over rugged Afghan terrain. On board; Bush, Chretien, Blair. Cut to Jeff Probst. We are here in the beautiful country of Afghanistan to play Who can Survive and Catch Osama.

Our contestants have agreed to be put down in an undisclosed location in Afganistan, they will have 30 days in which they must be responsible for their own survival and find Osama.

Each contestant has been given some water, and a Where's Waldo book. If one of them should actually find Osama they will become the winner of the grand prize a burqua, black paint for their windows and a subsistance diet which they well adhere to for an equal amount of time to which they allowed the Taliban to reign unhindered.

The losers will immediately resign and let an intelligent person run their country.

All Afghany villages will get their own McDonalds franchise to help them see that the infidels really aren't all bad. And the happy meals won't explode when you pick them up.

Ok boys jump. ahhh didn't anybody tell these guys they were suppposed to wear parachutes?


From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
JCL
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1387

posted 14 November 2001 10:52 PM      Profile for JCL     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Well, hey, if anyone says government leaders are idiots, I encourage those people who are armchair quarterback politicians to run for government.
From: Winnipeg. 35 days to Christmas yet no snow here. | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
redshift
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1675

posted 15 November 2001 03:01 AM      Profile for redshift     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
ya know jcl (what is that?- just can't learn?)you really should take a sec and think about what participatory democracy actually means. we are the quarterbacks, this is the game , those loud funny people on tv all the time are actually really poor ref's.
ever wrote a letter to your mp or called him up? its better than laxatives for what ails you.

From: cranbrook,bc | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
clockwork
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 690

posted 15 November 2001 02:13 PM      Profile for clockwork     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Back to the topic at hand:

Wheel!
Of!
Suppression!
<cheers>

Today’s category is a clue.

Mullah Mohammed Omar, what would you like to do?
<Think adult voices on Charlie Brown here. “waawhaaawaa”>
Oh, Mohammed, you al Qaeda harbourer, you. I wasn’t referring to your own citizens. I was asking if you’d like to spin the wheel!
<spin>
Oh, and look at that. You landed on “lose a finger”. So sorry.
<cries of pain>
Now it’s your turn Saddam Hussien.
<spin>
Oil for food! The number of letters you pick will determine how much your regime can export in oil! Just think of how many citizens you could feed, or how much anthrax you could produce.
<that voice again>
I’m sorry, but no, there are no squiggly little lines in there. And no oil exports for you!
George Bush, what would you like to do?
“Well, I’d like to buy a vowa.”
Certainly! With a $300 billion military budget, you can buy almost anything you want!

“I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat”.
George Bush, of course you’d like to. We would all like to see you solve a puzzle, but we all know it just won’t happen!

<cut to a commercial>
Do you have problems with smart bombs? Do you read in the press the next day that you’ve blown up a Chinese embassy here, or a Red Cross facility there? Do you find that this tends to upset people?

Well, no more!

In an innovative corporate partnership between the good folks at Boeing and the research facilities of the al Qeada network, we have pioneered a sophisticated new device that is sure to target only the buildings you want. In field tests our guided 757’s have demonstrated a hit-ratio that far exceeds currently accepted smart-bomb standards. It is even more accurate than a National Missile Defense system.

So call right now and purchase the guided missile system that is the envy of the world over. Our operators are standing by.

<cut back to Wheel of Suppression>

And look at that, we have run out of time. This has been a boring game: so far you guys have had no clue!


From: Pokaroo! | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
clockwork
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 690

posted 15 November 2001 02:15 PM      Profile for clockwork     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Who Wants to Marry a Martyr!

Picture it now, 50 beautiful virgin brides to be, all covered in their burqas. All waiting, no hoping, for the chance to be that special one.

Here we have Mohammed, a high ranking official in the Taliban regime currently taking time out from his busy schedule retreating from Northern Alliance attacks and dodging errant bombs from the sky. Do you have any comments before we start?
“Yes, it is nice that I have this opportunity wherein I don’t have to die first to see such flock of beautiful virgins”.

And what a wonderful opportunity it must be. Now, what question would you like to put these lovely ladies first?
“Uh, questions? I don’t want to ask questions of them. They are not here to offer opinions.”

Of course! Well, this will make for a rather ludicrous show then, just like the original…

Mohammed, now that you’ve had time to study their lovely burqas, which one do you choose to make your wife?
“I think… I think I will choose all of them to be my wives.”
Good for you! And that about wraps it up here.

Remember folks: you can play <I>Who wants to marry a martyr</I> with our new home edition. In the game package you will find ten sticks of dynamite with which you, too, can use to make yourself a contestant here. It’ll be a blast!


From: Pokaroo! | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
clockwork
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 690

posted 15 November 2001 02:17 PM      Profile for clockwork     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I know I am already going to hell… so I might as well have some fun...
From: Pokaroo! | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 15 November 2001 02:47 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Like Mark Twain (I think) said -- I'd like to go to Heaven for the climate, but Hell for the society.

See you there, clockwork!

[Edited to add: brilliant games, both!]

[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: 'lance ]


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
redshift
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1675

posted 15 November 2001 03:17 PM      Profile for redshift     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
how about something for our american audience. "Lost in B.C."
Take a bunch of teenagers ,send them to a poitical event in the wilderness, and watch them fight off bears, loggers, heavily armored state forces.special challenges like weather,bugs and lack of food will lead to dissension and team members will be voted off.
first team to raise the red flag on an over-turned lexus wins a college education at state expense within a state run facility.
or did we do that one already?

From: cranbrook,bc | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 117

posted 15 November 2001 08:25 PM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Welcome to Taliban Squares tonight we have a very special guest sitting in the centre square Osama Bin Laden ...so Osama where ya 'bin' hiding ( crowds laughs ) Osama orders them executed immediately...

Peace restored new audience in place clap..clap..clap.. and now for our secret square question the prize today is a brand new vehicle...

[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: earthmother ]


From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
VinceRoy
recent-rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1369

posted 16 November 2001 02:25 PM      Profile for VinceRoy     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Any game that is developped must include contestants pushing butons and yelling "No Whammies!" Of course, in this case, instead of being sneaky little imps that steal your money, Whammies are misguided smart bombs.
From: Toronto | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged

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