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Author Topic: What's so funny?
Debra
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Babbler # 117

posted 22 August 2001 08:48 AM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I started a humour thread in body and soul but that doesn't seem to be the best place for it. So I moved the topic here as this seems to be the ' hang out joint '

First up a little entry from skdadl.
See it here.

[ August 23, 2001: Message edited by: earthmother ]


From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
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Babbler # 560

posted 22 August 2001 08:01 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Skdadl, OH MY GOD, what were you THINKING???

And Earthmother. Really. At least you should know better even if poor Skdadl is deluded.

Kidding. I love the site, Earthmother. Especially your picture of Dr. Conway.


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
skdadl
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Babbler # 478

posted 23 August 2001 11:06 AM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
skdadl is trying to imagine what Michelle was looking at when she wrote that ...

Actually, I have quite a wonderful picture of my mum with da Pope. He looks more cheerful with her -- and he'd better!


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Michelle
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Babbler # 560

posted 23 August 2001 11:48 AM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
OH. I was actually looking at the bagpiper (and unfortunately, listening to his music ) on the "babblers" page. Sorry for the mix-up - that pope picture was a scream.
From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 117

posted 23 August 2001 01:15 PM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I call him mini-me
From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 117

posted 24 August 2001 08:41 AM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Actual Sentences from Patient Medical Charts

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.


From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
skdadl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 478

posted 24 August 2001 11:22 AM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
'nother frog joke:

A zoologist sets his lab frog down on a long measuring tape, tickles his tail, and says "Jump." The frog jumps, and the scientist writes down in his notebook: "Frog with four legs: 50 inches."

Then he cuts off one of the frog's legs, sets him down again, tickles his tail, and says, "Jump." The frog jumps again, and the scientist writes down in his notebook: "Frog with three legs: 40 inches."

The scientist cuts off a second leg and repeats the experiment: "Frog with two legs: 30 inches." A third leg goes, and: "Frog with one leg: 20 inches."

Finally, the scientist cuts off the frog's last leg, tickles his tail, and says "Jump" again. The frog doesn't move. Scientist writes in his notebook: "Frog with no legs: deaf."


From: gone | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
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Babbler # 117

posted 24 August 2001 12:11 PM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I think I've read some studies that guys done.

I found this hilarious.


From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mandos
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Babbler # 888

posted 24 August 2001 12:15 PM      Profile for Mandos   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
A scientist mixed wine with water, and drank until he was totally plastered.

He mixed beer with water, same result.

He mixed vodka with water, same result.

... and so on ...

Finally he wrote "I have come to the determination that water is the most intoxicating beverage known to the world."


From: There, there. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 117

posted 24 August 2001 01:10 PM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Well I'd love to reply to your post Mandos but I really must get a drink of water.
From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
wiggabee
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Babbler # 1267

posted 24 August 2001 02:20 PM      Profile for wiggabee     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
heh heh. Yeah, those scientists really are dumb arent they?
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Mandos
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Babbler # 888

posted 24 August 2001 03:06 PM      Profile for Mandos   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I generally think that about engineers...
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'lance
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Babbler # 1064

posted 24 August 2001 03:51 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
A slightly obscure joke...

A company needs to hire someone, and narrows it down to three candidates -- a geologist, an engineer, and a geophysicist. They examine their credentials, contact references etc. and then have them in for very very brief interviews.

They say to the geologist, "We have only one question. What is two plus two?"

Geologist scratches chin, looks wise and thoughtful, says, "Well, the general consensus, after due consideration, would have it as four. That's not to say you couldn't have three, of course, and depending on the conditions even five. But taking one thing with another, in the fullness of time, weighing all the evidence [and continuing in this vein], I'd have to plump for four. Generally speaking, that is."

Engineer comes in for interview. Same question.

Blunt answer: "Simple. 3.9999999 and so forth -- continue to any desired level of accuracy.

Finally, the geophysicist is asked "How much is two plus two?"

Geophysicist immediately adopts a shifty look, glances to each side. Gets up, tiptoes to door, looks out furtively, closes door with extreme care. Tiptoes back to interviewer, leans over, whispers "What do you *want* it to be?"


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Socrataire
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posted 24 August 2001 04:08 PM      Profile for Socrataire     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I love it! I love it! I love it!

Of course the correct answer is 5. Ask Winston Smith.

Maybe that joke hints at that.


From: WWW | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
skdadl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 478

posted 24 August 2001 04:10 PM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
CIA OPENING
There was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing,
they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the
right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One
shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[not edited by me]


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'lance
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Babbler # 1064

posted 24 August 2001 04:24 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Of course the correct answer is 5. Ask Winston Smith.

Maybe that joke hints at that.


Maybe, but I always took it to mean geophysicists' work is such a black art they become salesmen. Any data can be interpreted to please the client.

Having since gained some experience of geophysics, I'm inclined to agree.


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Michelle
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Babbler # 560

posted 24 August 2001 11:48 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Skdadl, I always heard that joke with all three people being men, not two men and a woman...

For some good jokes, check out some of the ones that got sent to me by friends and family right here...

But here's one for the road:

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw...

...because he's just a common Tater.


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
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Babbler # 560

posted 25 August 2001 07:58 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Well, I seem to have the "stop a thread dead in its tracks" disease.

Here's another joke anyhow. My Dad sent it to me - maybe to cheer me over the impending divorce? Well, Tommy will enjoy it anyhow. I'm sure he'll relate.

The five kinds of SEX:

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the court.

Okay, it was sexist. But I just did a bit of mental magic in that last paragraph, changed the genders, and it worked wonders.


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 117

posted 25 August 2001 08:28 PM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Here's a couple for VT

A group of professional men had finished a day’s hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.

The musician’s dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.

The lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, “It’s obvious that the left one is phony!” The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, “Why, it’s easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity.”


From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
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Babbler # 560

posted 25 August 2001 10:07 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
How do you get a philosopher off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza.


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
DrConway
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 490

posted 26 August 2001 05:40 AM      Profile for DrConway     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 

From: You shall not side with the great against the powerless. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
skdadl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 478

posted 26 August 2001 08:47 AM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Och, DrC, it's the most beautiful photograph, isn't it ... That the greatest things we have done should make us weep, because they remind us at once of the very worst ... Och, it's so beautiful, and such a tragedy. Imagine spoiling that. Us. We spoiled it. Imagine.
From: gone | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
DrConway
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 490

posted 27 August 2001 05:46 AM      Profile for DrConway     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 

I think the above picture is more of a dig at the United States itself.


From: You shall not side with the great against the powerless. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
verbatim
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 569

posted 27 August 2001 01:17 PM      Profile for verbatim   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
For all this screwing that lawyers seem to be doing of other people, I'm wondering why I can't seem to get any!

I will post my favourite lawyer joke here soon.


From: The People's Republic of Cook Street | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
clockwork
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 690

posted 27 August 2001 01:45 PM      Profile for clockwork     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Speaking of lawyers, here is something which I would consider a joke:


This press release contains forward-looking statements. When used herein, words such as "anticipate", "intend", "believe", "estimate", and "expect" and similar expressions, as they relate to Maxxcom Inc. or its management, are intended to identify forward-looking statements. Forward-looking statements are based on assumptions made by and information available to Maxxcom Inc. Such forward-looking statements involve risks and uncertainties that may cause the actual results or objectives to be materially different from those expressed or implied by such forward-looking statements. Such factors include, among other things, the Company's financial performance; changes in the competitive environment; adverse changes in the economy; ability to maintain long-term relationships with customers; financing requirements and other factors.


From: Pokaroo! | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ven. Jason W. Smith
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 839

posted 27 August 2001 01:53 PM      Profile for Ven. Jason W. Smith     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
What did the Zen student say at the pizzeria?

"Make me one with everything."


From: Waterloo | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Victor Von Mediaboy
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 554

posted 27 August 2001 02:02 PM      Profile for Victor Von Mediaboy   Author's Homepage        Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
What's the message on Sartre's answering machine?

"I am not here.
There is no message.
There is no beep."


From: A thread has merit only if I post to it. So sayeth VVMB! | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Dawna Matrix
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 156

posted 27 August 2001 06:55 PM      Profile for Dawna Matrix     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Two girls, eyeing a guy at Robart's library.

-Do you think that guy is a Taoist?
-I don't know. Why?
-He sure moves like One.


From: the stage on cloud 9 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
GulfAlien
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1259

posted 28 August 2001 01:09 AM      Profile for GulfAlien   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
My only jokes:

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.

******

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do in the middle of the night?

He lies awake wondering if there is a dog.


From: Vancouver | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Victor Von Mediaboy
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 554

posted 28 August 2001 11:24 AM      Profile for Victor Von Mediaboy   Author's Homepage        Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
An actual question from the first edition of Trivial Pursuit (or so I've been told):


Q: How many testicles did Adolph Hitler have?

A: 2


From: A thread has merit only if I post to it. So sayeth VVMB! | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
skdadl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 478

posted 28 August 2001 11:26 AM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
GulfAlien, hie thee to the Baseball Blues thread! Excellent, excellent, a truly fresh bb joke (news to me, anyway).
From: gone | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
skdadl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 478

posted 28 August 2001 11:29 AM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
WWII marching song:

Hitler, he only had one ball
Goering, had two but very small
Himmler, had something sim'lar
And poor old Goebbels had no balls at all.


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Dawna Matrix
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 156

posted 28 August 2001 12:02 PM      Profile for Dawna Matrix     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I've heard a different variation:

Hitler, has only got one ball
The other, is in the Albert Hall
Himmler, has something sim'lar
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.


From: the stage on cloud 9 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 29 August 2001 01:25 AM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
An actual question from the first edition of Trivial Pursuit (or so I've been told):
Q: How many testicles did Adolph Hitler have?
A: 2

It's true. I went to a pub a couple of months ago with a friend, and they had trivial pursuit cards on the tables as a little activity. And I couldn't believe it, but that was one of the questions.


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
free radical
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posted 29 August 2001 01:59 AM      Profile for free radical   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Actually, Gore Vidal's stepfather had one testicle and his biological father had three. Maybe that's why he is so kinky.
From: Vienna | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
clockwork
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Babbler # 690

posted 29 August 2001 02:06 AM      Profile for clockwork     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Did you ever read Live from Golgatha? If you want a joke, read this novel.
From: Pokaroo! | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Dawna Matrix
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 156

posted 29 August 2001 03:30 PM      Profile for Dawna Matrix     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Myra Breckinridge. That's the stuff.
From: the stage on cloud 9 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 29 August 2001 05:58 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
What did the Zen student say at the pizzeria?

"Make me one with everything."


Then the student peels off a twenty, and the counter guy hands him back a slice.

Student asks, "Where's my change?"

Counter guy smile serenely, says "Change must come from within."


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 26 September 2001 09:21 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Nothing like reviving a dead thread... But I just got two HILARIOUS joke messages in my inbox, and I just had to share them:

THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR THOSE HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Do I look like a bloody people person?
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
9. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
12. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
13. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
14. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
15. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
16. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
17. Earth is full, Go home.


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[ September 26, 2001: Message edited by: Michelle ]


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 26 September 2001 09:36 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Ouch!

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
DrConway
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 490

posted 26 September 2001 09:47 PM      Profile for DrConway     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Ah yes... time for me to toss the ball of catnip into the fray, and NO 'lance, YOU are not permitted to have it.

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
--------------------

- Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

- Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.

- Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

- When someone says " Have a nice day " tell them you have other plans.

- Find out what a frog in a blender realy looks like.

- Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

- Forget the diet centre and send yourself a candygram.

- Dance naked in front of your pets.

- Put your toddler's clothes on him/her backwards and send him/her to preschool as if nothing was wrong.

- Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with roman numerals.

- Tattoo " OUT TO LUNCH " on your forehead.

- Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

- Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

- Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in it, return it the next day.

- Buy a subscription to a sleazoid weekly and send it to your boss's wife.

- Pay your electric bill in pennies.

- Drive to work in reverse.

- Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during an important finance meeting.

- Sit naked on a shelled, hard-boiled egg.

- Refresh yourself, put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.

- Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.

- Polish your car with earwax.

- Read the dictionary upside down and try to find hidden messages.

- Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

- Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.

- Braid the hair in each nostril.

- Write a short story using alphabet soup.

- Stare at people through the tines of your fork and pretend they are in jail.

- Lie on your back and eat celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.

- Make up a language and ask people for directions.


From: You shall not side with the great against the powerless. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jared
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 803

posted 26 September 2001 10:03 PM      Profile for Jared     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Do I look like a bloody people person?


A neighbour once had this on a bumper-sticker. Just a little off-putting...

From: Vancouver | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 27 September 2001 12:25 AM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

'lance, that took me a good minute of staring before I finally got it. I thought you had gone crazy. Now I just think I'm dense.


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 27 September 2001 12:39 AM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
It's a sleeper.

Like: a termite walks into a pub, asks "Is the bartender here?"

(And whaddya mean, "gone"? )

[ September 27, 2001: Message edited by: 'lance ]


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
DrConway
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 490

posted 27 September 2001 01:20 AM      Profile for DrConway     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early

1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much
better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who
came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards
on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to
the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half
an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half
an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems
wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse
that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate,
it's extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish
are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54. I'm having a root canal.
55. I'm having a tax audit.
56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that
beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
$100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60. I have to renew my driver's license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN
I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
license plates.
63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
frogs.
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't
last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I'm having my nails done.
83. I'm having my colors done.
84. I'm having my head examined.
85. I'm going to the bank.
86. I'm going to sleep.
87. I'm going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home
93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I'm breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.


From: You shall not side with the great against the powerless. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
nonsuch
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1402

posted 27 September 2001 03:38 PM      Profile for nonsuch     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Here is a mouldy:

Q: If you're stanging with your arms way up over your head, holding a large green ball in each hand, what have you got?

A: complete control of the Jolly Green Giant


(Maybe this belongs someplace under wishful thinking re US-Canadian relations?)


From: coming and going | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
bandit
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1435

posted 05 October 2001 08:22 PM      Profile for bandit     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
A man has been drinking for hours at his neighborhood bar and asks for another drink. The bartender say's "no you've had too much already".So the man decides to get up and go but when he tries he falls down and lands on his face. Shocked, the man tries again, pulling himself up by the bar and After letting go of the bar he once again falls. So the man decides to crawl outside and get some fresh air. The man waits a couple minutes and then decides to once again pull himself up and again falls back down. finally he say's screw it and crawls tohis house, up the stairs, and to his bedroom. When he get's to his bed he pulls himself up and plomps down. The next morning his wife wakes him up and say's "you've been drinking again haven't you?".The man responds "how did you know?". The wife answers "the bartender called, he say's you left your weelchair".

[ October 05, 2001: Message edited by: bandit ]


From: sudbury | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 117

posted 07 October 2001 06:53 PM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
A man walks up to a woman at a bar and tries to get ' friendly ' upon recieving the cold shoulder he says " oh come on were both here for the same thing" Whereupon she says " Yeah, that's right, lets go pick up some chicks."
From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 14 October 2001 03:46 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
A physicist, an engineer, and an economist are stranded on a desert island. They have three cans of beans, but no knife or can opener.

The physicist builds a fire, heats his can in the coals until it splits along the seam, lets it cool a bit, and eats.

The engineer finds a rock, then a harder rock, fashions a chisel, punctures her can, and eats.

The economist assumes his can is open, and eats.


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jake
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 390

posted 14 October 2001 11:12 PM      Profile for Jake     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
What is the difference between lawyers and angry roosters?

The angry roosters cluck defiance

Jake


From: the recycling bin | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
WingNut
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1292

posted 14 October 2001 11:24 PM      Profile for WingNut   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Two guys are walking down a street. They spot a dog licking himself as only a dog can do.
First guy, smiling: Gee, wish I could do that.
Second guy: You could, but you'd have to make friends with him first.

[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: WingNut ]


From: Out There | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
WingNut
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1292

posted 14 October 2001 11:38 PM      Profile for WingNut   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
An elderly man is on his death bed and he knows his time is soon. When, he notices the aroma of fresh baked cookies wafting up from the kitchen. He loves fresh baked cookies as much as life itself. He becomes determined to savour the flavour one last time.

He rolls out of bed and onto the floor. The thump causes him to grimace as the pain envelopes his being. But he is determined. He crawls slowly to the top of the stairs where he spins around onto his bottom to take the stairs one at a time. Thump. Thump. Thump. All the way down.

At the bottom, he is near exhausted. He falls forward onto the floor. He thinks of giving up when he spots the cookies. Steam still rising from them. Beckoning.

Reinvigorated by the sight of his goal he begins the crawl to the kitchen. He arrives breathless and with anticipation. He can see them on the counter now. Chocolate chip. His absolute favourite. Their aroma fills his lungs and quiets his panting. Leaning against the counter for support, he reaches up to the tray for one blessed cookie. Just as his fingers near the edge of the plate, ready to grasp his final wish ... WHACK! A wooden spoon cracks against his knuckles.

He pulls his hand back in excruciating pain. His redenned eyes look up to meet the glare of his beloved wife of 55 years.

"Why?" he implores her.

"They're for the funeral."

[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: WingNut ]


From: Out There | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 14 October 2001 11:40 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Oh, oh, OH! That was AWFUL!
From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged

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