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Author Topic: One ring to rule them all...
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 25 April 2002 05:42 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Wedding Porn!

Heather Havrilesky, as anyone who recalls her work on Suck will recall, is an absolute genius.

quote:
Call it wedding porn. The popular subset of commercial fiction features romance novels about neutered, neurotic professional girls. Instead of ripped bodices and heaving breasts, wedding porn features broken engagements, squirrelly commitment-phobic men and superembarrassing quarrels in really nice restaurants. Following in the footsteps of "Bridget Jones's Diary" -- which transcended the mediocrity of the genre through originality of voice, over-the-top parody and a plot gently lifted from legendary wedding pornographer Jane Austen -- these books throw together a lovably neurotic but ultimately bland female lead, a straight-talkin' "you go girl!" female sidekick, a devilishly handsome, supersmooth "bad for me!" boy, and place them all in a seemingly endless procession of unfathomably zany situations, until our heroine finally finds that wonderful, pure-hearted, dull at first but ultimately supernice fella who we can immediately picture gracefully maneuvering a minivan through the parking lot of Bed, Bath & Beyond.

...

Reflecting its indisputable ability to march to the leaden beat of mainstream America, ABC offers us TV's version of wedding porn, "The Bachelor," in which a dull but ultimately supernice fella navigates his own neuroticism to choose between 25 fluffy females in order to find his wife. It's "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire" but without the harsh game-show format and the tacky participants. Alex went to Harvard, we're reminded 50 or 60 times per show. Alex is a sweet guy. Alex wants a woman to spend the rest of his life with. Alex has been pre-selected for his ability to live up to the fantasy of kind, pretty, hollowed-out provider.



From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
nonsuch
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1402

posted 25 April 2002 09:08 PM      Profile for nonsuch     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
15 years and three kids later, Alex bumps his head on the water-cooler and wakes up in Tahiti. He can't remember his name, but he seems to have brought along a whole bunch of brushes and plenty of burnt umber...
From: coming and going | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
nonsuch
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1402

posted 25 April 2002 09:16 PM      Profile for nonsuch     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
By a strange twist of fate, Tiffany, the chosen one, suffers a blackout in a bank line-up on the same day; wakes up in Tahiti, sans bra and makeup, but miraculously knows how to dive for octopus.
From: coming and going | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
Tommy_Paine
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Babbler # 214

posted 25 April 2002 09:17 PM      Profile for Tommy_Paine     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Tsk.

First I thought is was something about "Lord of the Rings", then I thought you were offering a link page to web sites that specialize in Wedding or bride fetish stuff.

You dissapoint me sometimes 'lance, really you do......


From: The Alley, Behind Montgomery's Tavern | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 25 April 2002 09:20 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
You dissapoint me sometimes 'lance, really you do......

I disappoint you? Who was it who came clean about a certain little black cocktail dress just the other day -- to Zoot Capri, I think it was -- when I've been hanging around this board since July?

Really, Tommy, a boy could feel neglected, positively -- as the young people say -- dissed!


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
nonsuch
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1402

posted 25 April 2002 09:20 PM      Profile for nonsuch     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Meanwhile...
(DFC)
The three kids discover that...
Tiffany's mom isn't too old to teach them how to grow garlic and skip pebbles...
Alex's dad can tell hair-raising stories about the concentration camp...
But Children's Aid considers it better for them to spend three years with one foster family, eight months with another, a year with a third...

From: coming and going | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 25 April 2002 09:23 PM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Meanwhile, back in Tahiti...

Alex and Tiffany encounter each other on the beach one day, he in his painter's garb, she in her octopus-diving gear, consisting solely of an Ursula-Andress style bikini bottom equipped with knife in sheath.

They study each other appraisingly, unable to rid themselves of the sensation they've met before.


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
nonsuch
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1402

posted 25 April 2002 09:42 PM      Profile for nonsuch     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Flash forward another 20 years.
Vanessa is a monumentally successful stockbroker, obsessed with her shrink. Sasha is a software architect whose hobby is freefall skydiving. Jane is a vegan lesbian performance artist, and has changed her name to Nazicat.
They each happen to be in Tahiti...

From: coming and going | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
Dawna Matrix
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Babbler # 156

posted 25 April 2002 10:47 PM      Profile for Dawna Matrix     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Wow man. I was way off. You don't want to know what I was thinking. 'lance, I'm looking at you.
From: the stage on cloud 9 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1064

posted 26 April 2002 12:44 AM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
O but I'd be glad to know what you were thinking, Dawna Matrix. You can't shock me. (And feel free to feast your eyes!)

But I'm glad this one threw a few people off. Sometimes a little misdirection is just the thing, what?


From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
from the mouths of babes
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Babbler # 2577

posted 28 April 2002 08:49 PM      Profile for from the mouths of babes     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Unfortunately, ranting about plot recyclement, lack of originality, corniness, and laughing at wedding porn does not constitute a good mark on essays for high school english class.
From: Calgary | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged

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