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Author Topic: Problems in human communication
Zatamon
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1394

posted 11 October 2002 10:38 AM      Profile for Zatamon     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
After having spent over a year on different Forums, I thought I start this thread on problems with human communication. A tentative list (in no particular order) could be the following:

1./ We don't listen to others
2./ We don't define our terms
3./ We don't ask questions
4./ We jump to conclusions
5./ We become emotional
6./ We attack people, not ideas
7./ We are sloppy
8./ We don't remember previous arguments
9./ We become insulting
10./ We tolerate our own contradictions
11./ We fail to follow through one topic
12./ We react to 'trigger words' out of context
13./ We are seldom goal-oriented
14./ We are disorganized
15./ We miss to see, or make a point
16./ We show little respect
17./ We often act like the other was an idiot
18./ We exaggerate the other's point
19./ We use little or no imagination
20./ We don't always respond to humour.
21./ We often keep going around the same circle
22./ We misquote
23./ We abuse basic rules of logic
24./ We seldom admit our mistakes
25./ We seldom admit to an opponent's point
26./ We very rarely apologize after being rude or unfair
27./ We use atrocious style, grammar and spelling
28./ We lecture. (suggested by 'lance)
29./ Lack of forgiveness (suggested by Tommy_Paine)
30./ Putting words in people's mouths (suggested by Tommy_Paine)
31./ Aggressive intimidation (suggested by Trisha)


Did I miss anything?

Every one of us is guilty of one or more of these points at one time or another.

A lot of the problems in communication have to do with respect for each other. Just ask yourself which of the mistakes I listed would an average person make, while talking to his boss, hoping for a promotion. He would certainly try very hard not to make any of them. He might not avoid all, but he would certainly try.

On the other hand, when we are talking to each other, among peers, or especially to those we assume are our ‘inferiors’, we don’t try that hard and we may even deliberately fall into one or another of the mistakes to show our ‘superiority’.

For example: a little while ago, in a thread about our favourite books, one obviously intelligent poster listed one particular book as his all time favourite. Another poster commented on it by saying: “That book is a pile of shit”.

What is wrong with this bit of communication? Only that in that short sentence the poster committed the following errors: Lack of curiosity; Failure to ask questions; Becoming emotional; Being sloppy; Show no respect; No imagination; Being insulting – just to name a few.

The poster could have said instead: “I am curious, why did you find it so good that you list it as your favourite? I have read it and did not like it for the following reasons:….”

This response would have opened up the possibility for the poster to learn something she may have missed, start an interesting dialogue, even make a friend instead of an enemy.

You know what I mean.

So I think that a good part of communication problems could be overcome if we treated each other with respect, the way we would like to be treated by others.

It is not really worth to make enemies and throw away chances of learning and exchanging ideas for a momentary feeling of superiority.

Please feel free to suggest any I missed (I am sure there are quite a few), so I can add them to the list. Who knows, it may be useful in future dialog, when one of us says to an opponent something like:

"Sir, you just committed communication error 3./; 5./; 11./; 24./; and 27./"

It will save a hell of a lot of typing! :-)

[ October 12, 2002: Message edited by: Zatamon ]


From: where hope for 'hope' is contemplated | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
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Babbler # 117

posted 11 October 2002 11:02 AM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Good points Zatamon. I can see quite a few I have been guilty of myself.

Still how do we overcome that when it seems that even in day to day communication the ability to listen or be polite is declining at an ever increasing rate.


From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
WingNut
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Babbler # 1292

posted 11 October 2002 11:06 AM      Profile for WingNut   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
27./ We use atrocious style, grammar and spelling

dont neether.

From: Out There | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Debra
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Babbler # 117

posted 11 October 2002 11:11 AM      Profile for Debra   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I always thunk your speling and grammer was fin wingnut.
From: The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
'lance
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posted 11 October 2002 11:34 AM      Profile for 'lance     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
28./ We lecture.
From: that enchanted place on the top of the Forest | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
WingNut
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Babbler # 1292

posted 11 October 2002 11:48 AM      Profile for WingNut   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
There you go, again.
It is not enough that someone has spent time and invested a lot of thought in this endeavour and you have to find fault. Find that one thing that is missing. You should be ashamed of yourself. Did your mother raise you this way? I do not want to hear from you again today unless it is to apologize.

From: Out There | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Lima Bean
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posted 11 October 2002 11:56 AM      Profile for Lima Bean   Author's Homepage        Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Zatamon, I think you're right. I think it's a lack of respect for one another, but also a lack of faith in one another.
Often we jump to defend ourselves against what we perceive is an attack, but in reality, may only be a poor choice of words, a misunderstanding, or a legitimate difference of opinion. We're quick to assume that our fellows are out to harm or insult us and we react accordingly, often provoking more retaliatory hostility than was ever justified. Not that hostility is very often necessary...

[ October 11, 2002: Message edited by: Lima Bean ]


From: s | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Tommy_Paine
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posted 11 October 2002 12:54 PM      Profile for Tommy_Paine     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I would think that I've been guilty of most of those at least once, some of them repeatedly. All I can try to do is endeavor not to repeat.

I'd add something to make it a nice uneven 29. There's a certain lack of forgiveness, I think.

Oh, okay, an even 30. Although it falls under the catchall of the abuse of basic rules of logic, I think "the strawman", or "putting words in people's mouths" deserves it's own catagory.


From: The Alley, Behind Montgomery's Tavern | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
paxamillion
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Babbler # 2836

posted 11 October 2002 02:09 PM      Profile for paxamillion   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
There's an English psychologist called Edward de Bono who coined the term "parallel thinking." As I understand it, de Bono advocates putting aside our penchant for debating on opinions. He suggests instead that people who have to think together should lay out all their facts of meaning, opinions, criteria, and other content without debate. Then, they can identify where they want to go next, and use debate in evaluating options for action.

I've facilitated many groups using designed processes like this with great success. Many of the items in the list presented at the top of the thread seem to disappear in cirumstances where people know that their perspectives are going to be heard and that no one person's perspective has to be right.

That's not to say I'm immune to the items listed so far. Far from it. I expect to be spending years at work on the self-centredness and fear that drives these sorts of destructive behaviours. I'm not just trying harder to avoid them -- rather I'm taking theraputic steps.


From: the process of recovery | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Trisha
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Babbler # 387

posted 12 October 2002 04:06 AM      Profile for Trisha     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
What about we try to force others to back down?
From: Thunder Bay, Ontario | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
paxamillion
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Babbler # 2836

posted 12 October 2002 03:10 PM      Profile for paxamillion   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Definitely a problem.
From: the process of recovery | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged

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