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Dear Ms. Communicate,
The holiday season was stressful, as it is every year. In part, because I have a large extended family which includes my brother-in-law who's been known to make loud racist and sexist jokes and expects everyone to laugh. I've talked to my sister about this, since he's her husband after all, and she tells me he's just like that and to ignore him. As a progressive person, who considers himself an ally, I would like some advice on how to respond to this guy.

Tired-of-his-right-wing-brother-in-law,

Lefty Guy

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Ms. C, however, missed one sort of behavior that ought to be mentioned. Let's call this "the needler". The needler knows that, more than other people, you object to these kind of offensive remarks and are likely to stand up to them. However, the needler considers the effect on you, of such remarks, as entertainment. The needler is as much an asshole as a racist or sexist bigot. The needler is amused by causing distress/aggravation to others and seeing how they react to that distress.

To deal with the needler, it's sometimes necessary to adopt the needler's own approach. What do I mean? Here's an example:

The needler: some racist joke. Haw haw.
You: Gosh, needler, that's brilliant. Did you hear the one about the racist?
The needler: (knowing he's about to be ambushed) Huh?
You: Yea, OK, so what's the difference between a racist and a bucket of shit? (brief pause and big smile from you) THE BUCKET! (loud laughter from you). Damn! That's funny. OK. Your turn ...

(Warning: it is not a good idea to try this approach in the needler's own home. Best is a "neutral" location. It's also a good idea to be ready for a violent confrontation. You have the jump, however, since you know what's coming. The needler, however, is often so stunned at having the tables turned on him that he just stands there and hisses like a snake.)

Needless to say, there won't be any pleasant conversations with the needler after this. In fact, if you've succeeded, there won't be any conversations with the needler at all. And that's just what you want. Well done! You've just given the needler a lesson in needling. Now go watch an episode of House.

In the first paragraph I mentioned the importance of allies. Despite the remarks here about novel ways of provoking dealing with the needler, I think allies are crucial. Ask yourself who else would be offended by some objectionable remarks and think of how you can bring them into the conversation. Sometimes all it takes is exposing the objectionable remarks to someone whose opinion and views the right winger respects or is obliged to respect. When there's more of you, these sorts of problems are more easily solved. No jokes about buckets required.

[ 15 March 2008: Message edited by: N.Beltov ]

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Originally posted by Michelle:
The way I deal with The Needler is by ignoring it completely. Pretending it never got said, giving no reaction, whoops, did you say something, gosh I guess I didn't hear it, pass the potatoes?

I'm a big believer in refusing to reward poor behaviour.

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I'm a big believer in confronting poor behaviour,believing that passive avoidance just reinforces the jerk's sense of power.

I practice what I preach and while I have been fired and physically attacked for confronting other forms of racist behavour,confronting racist behavoiur in a social setting has resulted in the racist backing down and sucking it up every time.

You will never make a difference if you clam up and surrender the field to the jerks.

I refuse to provide it. I don't think anyone can accuse me of not speaking out. Everyone in my family knows where I stand on issues of racism, sexism, and politics.

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Originally posted by Michelle:
Oh, don't get me wrong - I'm talking about in situations where everyone knows what everyone thinks. Like in a family. The Needler is looking for a fight. They're looking to get you all riled up because they see it as a sport, and you get to be the free entertainment.

I refuse to provide it. I don't think anyone can accuse me of not speaking out. Everyone in my family knows where I stand on issues of racism, sexism, and politics.

And changing the subject doesn't give them power. It gives someone more power when you react and then give them a platform to spout their crap in rebuttal.

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