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Author Topic: Time for even more jokes
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 12 February 2008 12:56 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to
Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess
I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'
Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A
lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up
and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample
into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer
could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
(Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo... (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer...
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 12 February 2008 02:32 PM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post

From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
ohara
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7961

posted 12 February 2008 05:15 PM      Profile for ohara        Edit/Delete Post
Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the UK newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of a 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French.

One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, they found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using wireless!


From: Ottawa | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 22 February 2008 09:00 AM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am
the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies
which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me
to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 22 February 2008 09:19 AM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I would add Rule 11: Remember at all times that you are getting off easy, as I am the only force holding back my husband from terminating your projects with prejudice.
From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 22 February 2008 12:08 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Sorry Martin don't get your remark.

You do realize that it is joke do you not? I suspect you sense of humour is lacking.


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
kropotkin1951
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 2732

posted 22 February 2008 12:39 PM      Profile for kropotkin1951   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'


'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.


'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f******** blanket.'


After a moment of silence, he farted.


The End


From: North of Manifest Destiny | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 22 February 2008 12:41 PM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Hi Clersal,
Yes, of course, I realized it was a joke. I thought I could add another level of threatening quality to it by stating, as the final straw, that the speaker was actually the least controlling of the said daughter's parents, holding back the other. (Sorry for not being clearer )

From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
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Babbler # 11463

posted 22 February 2008 12:44 PM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Now be honest, Kropotkin, you also went and added a 'punch line', didn't you? Because I have often heard that joke without the "fart' line...
From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
kropotkin1951
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Babbler # 2732

posted 22 February 2008 12:46 PM      Profile for kropotkin1951   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I just passed it on but thanks for the presumption I could be that funny.
From: North of Manifest Destiny | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 22 February 2008 01:33 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Sorry Martin, my turn to be embarrassed as I was stuck on the word prejudice and I thought......forget it as even I confused myself.
From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Boarsbreath
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Babbler # 9831

posted 22 February 2008 06:13 PM      Profile for Boarsbreath   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I defy you to think of a context where a fart would not be funny (at least as a story, ten years later if the setting is tragic).

But it's extra-funny there!


From: South Seas, ex Montreal | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
1234567
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14443

posted 22 February 2008 06:52 PM      Profile for 1234567     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
I defy you to think of a context where a fart would not be funny (at least as a story, ten years later if the setting is tragic).
But it's extra-funny there!


Ack...just another guy having to have the last word....


From: speak up, even if your voice shakes | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 22 February 2008 07:14 PM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Exactly, 1234567. And in this case, the guy wanting the last word is the anonymass who pasted an extra punch line on the story's natural one ("Get your own f***ing blanket!") (I am not talking about you, Kropotkin.)
I improve/reverse jokes all the time myself, reinjecting them into the word-of-mouth stream like so many genetic mutations. But others do it to "steal the thunder" of a good anti-sexist joke, and this just seems to be the case, cuz jokes are supposed to have one punch line, not two, as does this kind of post-scriptum get-back-at-her fart.

P.S.: Out of curiosity, I googled "Get your own * blanket" and the breakdown of occurences for that joke is about 2 to 1 without the final fart. In the fartless version, male-female roles are often reversed, creating an interesting matrix of interpretation (hypothesis: women's hostility at men's egotism, men's hostility at 'marriage' - misogyny being a taboo).

[ 22 February 2008: Message edited by: martin dufresne ]


From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
rural - Francesca
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Babbler # 14858

posted 25 February 2008 06:31 AM      Profile for rural - Francesca   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE VIKING?

A famous Viking explorer returned home after many months at sea. He discovered his name had been removed from the town register. So he complained to local officials. Upon learning of the mistake, one official apologized profusely. He said, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”


From: the backyard | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged
Catchfire
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Babbler # 4019

posted 25 February 2008 06:33 AM      Profile for Catchfire   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
hahaha awesome
From: On the heather | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 25 February 2008 06:42 AM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post

From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
bigcitygal
Volunteer Moderator
Babbler # 8938

posted 25 February 2008 10:24 AM      Profile for bigcitygal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
In honour of 1234567:

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A: Because 7 8 9


From: It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent - Q | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 25 February 2008 10:51 AM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 25 February 2008 01:28 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by bigcitygal:
In honour of 1234567:

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A: Because 7 8 9


Good one.


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
saga
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 13017

posted 25 February 2008 06:00 PM      Profile for saga   Author's Homepage        Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by Polly Brandybuck:
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."


hawhawhawhawhaw


From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 25 February 2008 06:05 PM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 25 February 2008 06:07 PM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.

He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.

"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 25 February 2008 06:19 PM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Sorry got a bunch in my email today. Stop me if you've heard em....

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants, or your shoes, or your phone.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Tank.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 25 February 2008 06:47 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
The lion tamer and the rooster.......
From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
oldgoat
Moderator
Babbler # 1130

posted 25 February 2008 07:13 PM      Profile for oldgoat     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
So I said to my kids I'm going to bed now, but I just want to post something on the joke thread, so gimme something.

So they both start in in total unison with the same joke.

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "hey, we've got a drink named after you".

So the grasshopper says "you've got a drink named Steve"?

Well I dunno, I suspect it's an old joke.

But I know you're laughing on the inside.

Nitey-nite.


From: The 10th circle | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 28 February 2008 06:41 AM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
The Broccoli casserole

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for
Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting
the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down
and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness
and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard
the poof. Before she even had a chance to be
embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the
dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'. The
woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came
across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was
beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she
didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and
yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled
and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had
to let another rip. This time she didn't even think
about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train
whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the
dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away
from her, before she poops on you!'


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 28 February 2008 06:52 AM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I love this thread!!!
From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
1234567
rabble-rouser
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posted 28 February 2008 01:43 PM      Profile for 1234567     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post

[ 28 February 2008: Message edited by: 1234567 ]


From: speak up, even if your voice shakes | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged
kropotkin1951
rabble-rouser
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posted 28 February 2008 01:46 PM      Profile for kropotkin1951   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by 1234567:

Ack...just another guy having to have the last word....


Does that make him a windbag?

From: North of Manifest Destiny | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
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posted 28 February 2008 02:12 PM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Hey, do you smell carrots?


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 28 February 2008 02:13 PM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
More like a windbreaker.
From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
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posted 29 February 2008 06:54 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Actually, I change my mind. I think it's hilarious but I have the feeling there might be some who wouldn't.

Here, I'll link to the image instead.

If you're not into Christian blasphemy, I'd suggest you don't click.

[ 29 February 2008: Message edited by: Michelle ]


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Makwa
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posted 29 February 2008 07:35 PM      Profile for Makwa   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by Polly Brandybuck:
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Tee hee. You're making jokes about poo. Tee hee. (giggle)

From: Here at the glass - all the usual problems, the habitual farce | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
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posted 29 February 2008 08:43 PM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
'Bout time Makwa, I wondered when the poo joke would get you.

And Michelle, that's way too funny!


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 05 March 2008 08:19 AM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Lawyers should never ask a Midwest grandmama a question if they aren't prepared for her answer.

In a trial, a Midwestern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the witness stand. He approached her and asked, 'Ms. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy and, frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes. Yes, I do know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Ms. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he cheated on his wife with three different women: one of 'em is your wife. Yes. Yes, I do know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice, he threatened, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'


From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 05 March 2008 09:37 AM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post

From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 05 March 2008 09:56 AM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
One night four university students stayed out too late in the pub and didn't study for the final exam the following day.

In the morning they came up with a plan. They dressed themselves in suits and ties, and rubbed grease and dirt on their hands and clothes. They went to the Deans office, and told him that they had been to a wedding the night before and that on the way home a tire had burst causing them to go into the ditch. They said they had to push the car out of the ditch and all the way home, thus they were in no condition to prepare for the test.

The Dean agreed that they could have another day to prepare. The following day when they met at the Deans office to write the test, they were told that it was a special-conditions test. Each of them would have to sit in separate rooms to write it. They all agreed and were assigned a classroom to themselves.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.........................(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tire?......................(98 MARKS)


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 05 March 2008 09:58 AM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
saga
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 13017

posted 05 March 2008 11:20 AM      Profile for saga   Author's Homepage        Edit/Delete Post
A little old lady, quivering and shaking, went into a sex store and the clerk eyed her warily.

"Ssssiiiirrrr," the little old lady quivered, "Dddo yyou hhave vvvibrators?"

"Yes" he replied hesitantly.

"Sssiiirrrr," she asked, "Ddo yyou hhave the 'Sssuper Bbbbig Delight'?"

"Yes," he said, humouring her as she shook in front of him.

"Ttthhe one with bbbumps on itt wwith tttwo ssspeeds?

"Oh yes, he said, "We have that one. It is our best seller! Would you like one?" (snicker)

"Wwweeell nnno, I hhave oone bbut ccccan yyyyou pppllleeeease ttttell mmme hhhow ttto ttturn it offffffff!

[ 05 March 2008: Message edited by: saga ]


From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 05 March 2008 01:12 PM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 05 March 2008 02:26 PM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
These are all hilarious!
From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Makwa
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 10724

posted 06 March 2008 10:26 PM      Profile for Makwa   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command…

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that’s not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn’t highlighted?

Caller: No, there’s no change at all.

Agent: That’s odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?


From: Here at the glass - all the usual problems, the habitual farce | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
adam stratton
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14803

posted 11 March 2008 07:18 AM      Profile for adam stratton        Edit/Delete Post
Because Everyone In Canada Lives In An Igloo.

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)

A: What? Did you know that slavery has been abolished a long time ago?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?(England)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada?(USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[ 11 March 2008: Message edited by: adam stratton ]


From: Eastern Ontario | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged
rural - Francesca
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14858

posted 11 March 2008 08:20 AM      Profile for rural - Francesca   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Don't joke -> 14 years in tourism and the #1 stupid question:


are you ready for this???

quote:
What time is the 3:15 Ferry?

From: the backyard | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged
M. Spector
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 8273

posted 11 March 2008 09:10 AM      Profile for M. Spector   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
In B.C. that's not always a stupid question.
From: One millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged
unionist
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11323

posted 11 March 2008 09:18 AM      Profile for unionist     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by rural - Francesca:
What time is the 3:15 ferry?

Depends - is it a high-speed ferry?


From: Vote QS! | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
TheIronist
recent-rabble-rouser
Babbler # 12833

posted 11 March 2008 10:31 AM      Profile for TheIronist     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
3 econometricians are out hunting. They come upon a deer, grazing quietly in a heather. The first econometrician aims his rifle and fires, missing the animal by 3 yards to the left.

The second econometrician then aims his rifle, and fires at the deer, missing it by 3 yards to the right.

The third econometrician, looking perplexed, walks a few feet in the direction of animal, and then begins to jump up and down, yelling, "We hit it! We hit it!"


From: Toronto | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged
adam stratton
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14803

posted 11 March 2008 11:52 AM      Profile for adam stratton        Edit/Delete Post

From: Eastern Ontario | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged
1234567
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14443

posted 13 March 2008 04:59 PM      Profile for 1234567     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

(You gotta love this)

The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."


From: speak up, even if your voice shakes | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged
Polly Brandybuck
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7732

posted 14 March 2008 10:19 AM      Profile for Polly Brandybuck     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Instructions to Clean the Toilet...

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

Your Dog


From: To Infinity...and beyond! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 16 March 2008 04:40 AM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded
cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."


You're going to love this.................


You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............

"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"


From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 16 March 2008 01:09 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
> sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
> but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
> toward the man.
>
> He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
>
> 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
>
> 'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to
> make it up to you,' she says.
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
> theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
> dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
> place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful,
> wonderful time.
>
> The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings The
> guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
>
> 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman Are you this nice to every
> guy you meet? '
>
> 'No,' she replies. . .
>
>
> 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Boarsbreath
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 9831

posted 17 March 2008 08:24 PM      Profile for Boarsbreath   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Selling sweaters in Halifax, we got American tourists as customers. Best line was a lady asking, "Hey, how do I get to Pee Eee One...?"
From: South Seas, ex Montreal | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
jester
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11798

posted 17 March 2008 08:33 PM      Profile for jester        Edit/Delete Post
Paris Hilton mistakenly bought a plane ticket in tourist. She boarded the aircraft and promptly sat in the first class section.

When a stewardess came along and stated she had to return to her tourist seat, Paris refused and said: "I'm blonde and beautiful and going to New York.

The stew told the captain who said that his wife was blonde and that he would resolve the situation. The captain went up to Paris and whispered in her ear. Paris smiled,said thank-you so much and returned to her tourist class seat.

When the stew wanted to know how the captain had accomplished his feat, the captain replied that he told Paris: "first class isn't going to New York".


From: Against stupidity, the Gods themselves contend in vain | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
N.Beltov
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 4140

posted 17 March 2008 10:14 PM      Profile for N.Beltov   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
This joke conveys the wild misconceptions people sometimes have about the size of Canada.

My English uncle some time ago called his brother, my dad, and asked for a favor. Dad lives on Vancouver Island. Uncle Hugh wanted dad to pick up some friends at the airport, who were visiting Canada, and help them out a bit. "Sure", said my dad.

Uncle Hugh: "They'll be arriving at Halifax airport at 6:00 p.m. on Tuesday the 6th."

Dad: "Why don't you pick them up? You're closer."

click.


From: Vancouver Island | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 23 March 2008 01:48 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.'


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 23 March 2008 02:25 PM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by clersal:

> 'You just happened to catch my eye.'


Good one!


From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
M. Spector
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 8273

posted 25 March 2008 12:30 PM      Profile for M. Spector   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little boy(girl), you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!!

- George Carlin


From: One millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 27 March 2008 04:29 PM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
This is really lame, but it's all I got:

Jeff Foxworthy about Canadians:

If the local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Canada.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Canada.

(did he mean hitting the same deer more than once?)

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Canada.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Canada.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Canada.

If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your friends & others, you definitely live (or have lived) in Canada.


From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
abnormal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1245

posted 31 March 2008 06:53 AM      Profile for abnormal   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes!"


From: far, far away | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Scott Piatkowski
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1299

posted 31 March 2008 09:50 AM      Profile for Scott Piatkowski   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you live in Canada.

Like Windsor?

And, abnormal, it was funnier the first time I heard it.


From: Kitchener-Waterloo | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
bigcitygal
Volunteer Moderator
Babbler # 8938

posted 31 March 2008 09:59 AM      Profile for bigcitygal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by Scott Piatkowski:
And, abnormal, it was funnier the first time I heard it.

Scott, that makes less sense now since I took it upon myself to delete the extra post.


From: It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent - Q | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 19 May 2008 07:17 AM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:--

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than I (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better -- he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters 'PTO'.
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors' house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
WendyL
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Babbler # 14914

posted 19 May 2008 09:06 AM      Profile for WendyL     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I teach an exercise class for people with arthritis and it was one of the older women who shared this one in class:

An older woman was sitting in her family physician's office addressing some general complaints. She told the Doctor about her achy joints, and the occasional dizzy spells she suffered. When the Doctor asked about her husband, Harold, she did lament that their physical relationship had sadly dwindled. Harold, she reported, was no longer able to perform as he once had and she did miss that.

"Well" said the Doctor, "there are medications to help with that these days. It isn't such a difficult problem to fix."

Blushing and flustered, the woman replied "Oh, no no no, I could never talk to Harold about this. And, he would never agree to take pills for this. You know Harold, Doctor, he just hates to take any kind of medicine!"

"Oh yes." said the Doctor "Well, you could just put a pill in his morning coffee each day for a week. He would never know, and you might find a pleasant change in this part of your relationship."

Well, the woman gave it some thought and took the pills from the Doctor.

Some months later she was back in the Doctor's office, having taken a bit of a fall and needing attention to her wrist. Once attended to, the doctor asked her:

"Did you ever use the pills I gave you for Harold?"

"Oh my, my. I did. Just the once though."

"Oh? Did it not have an effect?" asked the doctor.

"It most definitely did, Doctor. I put the pill in his morning coffee, just as you suggested. The reaction was instantaneous Doctor. Oh my gracious! Harold's face flushed, his eyes twinkled. He looked across the table right into my eyes and I could see lust!" At this point, the woman was herself blushing.

She continued
"Harold stood right up, he swept everything off the table onto the floor and made love to me right there on the table! It was some of the best lovemaking I've had in my entire life!"

"Ah, that sounds great" said Doc. "But, you say you only used the pills the once? Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Oh, but Doctor, 'twas a lovely time with my Harold. I cherish the memories. But, I haven't been able to go back to Tim Horton's since!"


From: PEI Canada | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
clersal
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Babbler # 370

posted 06 June 2008 01:33 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses and leather jacket. Saint Peter asks him "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Captain Knight, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." Next up is the priest. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Joe, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Wait a minute," says the good father, "that pilot gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here ... We go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached, people slept; when he flew people prayed."
From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
retiredguy
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Babbler # 15153

posted 06 June 2008 05:55 PM      Profile for retiredguy   Author's Homepage        Edit/Delete Post
A guy approaches the ticket window at the airport and is completely blown away by the hug breasts on the woman selling the tickets. He blurts . I'll have two pickets to Titsburg. Realizing what he said, he apologizes profusely and eventually the woman says "Don't worry sir it happens quite a bit." The man behind him pipes in "Yes its a very interesting psychological phenomenon. I've studied it for years. Why just the other day I was sitting at the breakfast table and I meant to say "Dear , would you please pass the cherios.. but instead i said "You fucking bitch you ruined my life."

[ 06 June 2008: Message edited by: retiredguy ]


From: Orillia | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
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Babbler # 11463

posted 06 June 2008 06:16 PM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
This is a joke?
From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 06 June 2008 06:22 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Geez. Retiredguy, you're going to be retired from babble if you ever post anything this misogynist again, joke or not.

I see from past posts that this doesn't seem to be a pattern, so you get one warning. This is it.

[ 06 June 2008: Message edited by: Michelle ]


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
smorse
recent-rabble-rouser
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posted 10 June 2008 11:09 AM      Profile for smorse     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
LOL I will visit here often for the laugh.
From: GA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged
Slumberjack
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Babbler # 10108

posted 10 June 2008 11:18 AM      Profile for Slumberjack     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by smorse:
LOL I will visit here often for the laugh.

Just a tip smorse, that last exchange above was not considered humourous at all.


From: An Intensive De-Indoctrination, But I'm Fine Now | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 12 June 2008 11:01 AM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
He might not have been talking about that particular joke - the whole thread is full of jokes.
From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
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Babbler # 560

posted 12 June 2008 11:02 AM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
When I got home last night, my husband demanded I take him out to some place expensive...

So I took him to the gas station!


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Wilf Day
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Babbler # 3276

posted 12 June 2008 11:43 AM      Profile for Wilf Day     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

(Who said there was no such thing as a physics joke?)

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


From: Port Hope, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
al-Qa'bong
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 3807

posted 12 June 2008 03:51 PM      Profile for al-Qa'bong   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by Slumberjack:

Just a tip smorse, that last exchange above was not considered humourous at all.


I thought it was funny, and I'll bet that if the genders in the joke were switched and the punch line was, "You lousy bastard, you ruined my life," nobody would have noticed.

Some of the jokes here have real "legs." I remember reading that "Leif off my census" joke in The Reader's Digest during the 1970s, right about the same time that I heard Gene Tracy's "Brewster the Rooster," which was also told here, albeit with a different chicken named.


From: Saskatchistan | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
duncan cameron
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 43

posted 12 June 2008 09:30 PM      Profile for duncan cameron     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Hilary Clinton visited a retirement home in Florida. She called for medical care for all Americans, irrespective of income. The following day John McCain arrived at the same home. He was met by a women who extended a welcome on behalf of the residents. She said: " yesterday we had a women visit who wants all Americans to have access to health care irrespective of income." Then she asked McCain: "are you in favour of health care for all Americans?"
McCain gathered himself, and with poorly concealed indignation, demanded of the woman: "do you know who I am?"
The woman answered: " No, but if you ask a nurse she will be able to help you out."
As told by Mort Saul

From: vancouver | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 03 July 2008 03:46 AM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
My son just told me these two:

Q: How many seconds are in a year?
A: 12. January second, February second...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
German border patrol.
German border patrol who?
"Vee vill ask ze questions!"

(We're German so we're allowed. )


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
rural - Francesca
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14858

posted 03 July 2008 04:00 AM      Profile for rural - Francesca   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were at a very fancy dinner party they had hosted. They were seated in full view of the rest of the people in attendance, and Luke, his table manners somewhat lacking, was devouring his bantha meat with his bare hands.

Obi-Wan, sensing that this display of savageness was rather disturbing to their guests, leaned over to Luke, and whispered: "Use the fork, Luke!"


From: the backyard | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged
Caissa
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Babbler # 12752

posted 03 July 2008 04:06 AM      Profile for Caissa     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
In the same vein as the first one told by Michelle's son.

q. How many months have 28 days?

a: All of them!


From: Saint John | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged
Boarsbreath
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 9831

posted 13 July 2008 02:09 PM      Profile for Boarsbreath   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
That's a nice vein...my neice told me this one: What do giraffes have that no other animals has?

Baby giraffes...


From: South Seas, ex Montreal | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
Maritimesea
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Babbler # 8953

posted 13 July 2008 06:45 PM      Profile for Maritimesea     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Well, in honour of one of the masters of the one-liners, here are some more George Carlin thoughts:

quote:
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.



From: Nova Scotia | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
Wilf Day
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 3276

posted 25 July 2008 05:03 AM      Profile for Wilf Day     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.......he thought he was God and I didn't.

I used to have a handle on life, but I broke it.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Be back in 5 minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it.

Wrinkled WAS NOT ONE OF THE THINGS I WANTED TO BE WHEN I GREW UP.

Procrastinate now!

I have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of 1000 miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up 3000 times the memory.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on!!!!

From: Port Hope, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
rural - Francesca
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14858

posted 12 August 2008 07:49 AM      Profile for rural - Francesca   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Economic Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


From: the backyard | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged
Fidel
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 5594

posted 12 August 2008 08:20 AM      Profile for Fidel     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Canadian Corporation

The state taxes Canadians to fatten two crown-owned cows
The two cows are then handed off to foreign interests on the cheap. Canadians are then gouged hell out of on milk prices


From: Viva La Revolución | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Lard Tunderin' Jeezus
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1275

posted 12 August 2008 08:40 AM      Profile for Lard Tunderin' Jeezus   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Albertan Corporation:

You have two cows.
They are poisoned by sour gas and die.
The government investigates, and a year later absolves the oil industry next door of any responsibility.
In that year, they ship another 400 million barrels of crude south for their Houston-based head office.
The government then sends you a $400 'prosperity cheque' from their pitiful pennies-a-barrel royalties.


From: ... | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Robespierre
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 15340

posted 12 August 2008 09:01 AM      Profile for Robespierre     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Broadway Musical Corporation

You have some cows
You quote Shakespeare and Kate kisses you
They all kowtow


From: Raccoons at my door! | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged
rural - Francesca
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14858

posted 12 August 2008 11:17 AM      Profile for rural - Francesca   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post

From: the backyard | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged
Sineed
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11260

posted 12 August 2008 12:32 PM      Profile for Sineed     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
My husband's cousin in Patagonia sent us that e-mail, and there were a few more:

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


From: # 668 - neighbour of the beast | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 12 August 2008 05:37 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that

I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
glasstech
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11534

posted 12 August 2008 05:55 PM      Profile for glasstech     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
**Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my Interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,*
*with** no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
*
*Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 ' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to
myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point)

I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.** **My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed

88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a
faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved
the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!*


From: Whitehorse, Yukon | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 12 August 2008 06:05 PM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post

From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 02 September 2008 12:04 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying: “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear!”

From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 03 September 2008 11:46 AM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
The flip side:
An early settler had been whipped into a paranoid frenzy by stories of First Nations folks attacking settlers and skinning them to build canoes. Trudging through the bush one Fall, he barely could sleep at night out of fear & loathing.
One morning, he finds himself in front of an Aboriginal walking toward him on the path. The settler promptly whips out his Bowie knife and stabs himself repeatedly in the chest going: "There, there, theeere... so much for your damn canoe, eh?"

From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
RevolutionPlease
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14629

posted 04 September 2008 10:02 PM      Profile for RevolutionPlease     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
www.rabble.ca
From: Aurora | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
RevolutionPlease
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14629

posted 04 September 2008 10:06 PM      Profile for RevolutionPlease     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
This place won't be progressive until they have some more scholars from oppressed groups.
From: Aurora | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
RevolutionPlease
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 14629

posted 04 September 2008 10:22 PM      Profile for RevolutionPlease     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
and beforemmy words are used, meant scholars are necesarry to teach.
From: Aurora | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 08 September 2008 06:07 AM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If=2 0GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.


From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 08 September 2008 06:53 AM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by clersal:
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

That kills me!


From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
al-Qa'bong
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 3807

posted 08 September 2008 08:28 PM      Profile for al-Qa'bong   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
and beforemmy words are used, meant scholars are necesarry to teach.

OK, I'll admit I don't undertstand this at all, and give up. What's the punch line?

Er, then again, what's the straight line?


From: Saskatchistan | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Brian White
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 8013

posted 11 September 2008 04:37 PM      Profile for Brian White   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I turned to my lady (in bed) and asked "can I ask you a question?"
drowsy, Ok
Then, "its a really important question"
Suddenly full attention, mind racing!
"So why do they call it childbirth?"
and "I mean, what else do they think it might be?"
and she said "thats your important question?" and turned away.
Then she burst into uncontrolable laughter for about 10 minutes!
Neat eh?

From: Victoria Bc | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 12 October 2008 02:15 PM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?" And that's how the fight started...
From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
clersal
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 370

posted 12 October 2008 05:54 PM      Profile for clersal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post

From: Canton Marchand, Québec | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 12 October 2008 05:58 PM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Probably not pc, but still hilarious.
From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
al-Qa'bong
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 3807

posted 15 October 2008 02:46 PM      Profile for al-Qa'bong   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Coming from St. Martin the Correct, its absolutely blaspheous!
From: Saskatchistan | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
ohara
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7961

posted 15 October 2008 03:58 PM      Profile for ohara        Edit/Delete Post
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the after shave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'

McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'


From: Ottawa | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged
al-Qa'bong
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 3807

posted 15 October 2008 07:44 PM      Profile for al-Qa'bong   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Geez, I'm no Obama supporter, but that one was just filthy.
From: Saskatchistan | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Boom Boom
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 7791

posted 15 October 2008 07:50 PM      Profile for Boom Boom     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
I've heard variations of that joke for years now.
From: Make the rich pay! | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
martin dufresne
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 11463

posted 15 October 2008 10:12 PM      Profile for martin dufresne   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Geez, I'm no Obama supporter, but that one was just filthy.
Agreed. There is a special room in hell awaiting Ohara and the people who aren't banning him.

From: "Words Matter" (Mackinnon) | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 15 October 2008 10:42 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by martin dufresne:
Agreed. There is a special room in hell awaiting Ohara and the people who aren't banning him.

Uh, what? How about go to hell yourself, Martin? Did you send a complaint to the moderators? Funny, my inbox is empty. You might want to do a little thing like, oh, read the babble policy statement where it tells you how to deal with posts you find offensive.

Edited to add: and by the way, Martin, I just read your most recent joke in this thread now, and it wasn't much better than ohara's on the PC front.

In other news, ohara's account is locked, and I'll consult with the other moderators about whether to make it a permanent ban.

[ 15 October 2008: Message edited by: Michelle ]


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
Moderator
Babbler # 560

posted 16 October 2008 06:41 AM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
After consulting with the mods, we've come to the conclusion that since other offensive jokes have been posted in these threads in the past, and it doesn't seem to be a habit with ohara, a permanent ban would be overkill.

I'll unlock his account in a couple of days.

People, we've really got to talk about these jokes threads. Not to be a "humourless lefty", but I can't imagine that a group of progressive people can't figure out where the line is between funny and offensive. And yeah, sometimes offensive CAN be funny if you're in the right mood, but there's a time and a place, and babble isn't the place for offensive, you know?

Anyhow, I'll see if I can get a thread up in rabble reactions in the next little while and we can discuss this there.


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Wilf Day
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 3276

posted 16 October 2008 06:44 AM      Profile for Wilf Day     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
quote:
Originally posted by al-Qa'bong:
Geez, I'm no Obama supporter, but that one was just filthy.

I thought it was funny. A pretty good parody of the insults those two have been throwing at each other.

From: Port Hope, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
bigcitygal
Volunteer Moderator
Babbler # 8938

posted 16 October 2008 06:49 AM      Profile for bigcitygal     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post
Closing for length.
From: It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent - Q | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged

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