How to give a cat a pill
1. Pick the cat up & cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of catís mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cats throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from the foilwrap. Make note to buy a new rule & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 'Dolton' figures from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel & get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partners forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed & get another pill. Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon & flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road & apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed & pry cats mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically & pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.
14. Get partner to drive you to A&E & sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers & forearms & remove pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat & ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.